BERNIE: A tree like me? Oh, I’ve been around for hundreds of years. They call me Bernie. And when you’ve been around for that long, you learn to look past certain things. Dogs pee-pee on me when I can’t even run after them. Hippies hug me. Even though, I’m more of a handshake kind of guy. But nothing compares to the misery of kids.
SFX: (Sigh)
BERNIE: Why do they have to climb me? They swing from my branches, pull at my leaves…tiny hands and legs all over me, like overgrown spiders! Even when it rains, they don’t stay indoors. Go on little one, watch some television. It’s not as bad as they say it is. Oh God! Here comes another one. Shooo! Shoooo..! I can’t take this any more. If you know of a good lumberjack, drop me a note. It’s Bernie@treemail.com.
FVO: Awww..Sorry Bernie. When kids drink Friso they get strong from inside. When kids get strong from inside, they go and play more outside. Friso.